where i’ve been…

ive been gone. way longer than i intended to be, but for some reason, even just keeping up with social media has been too much for me to take on. it felt wrong to come on here and just post what ive been up to, just ignoring the giant elephant in the room, where have i been?

my life has been upside down, backwards, sideways, tilted, slow motion, distorted.

all of you know my little angel baby, juniper. her and i have always had a bond that is indescribable, theres so much love in her little body. i spent all my days waking up with her, eating breakfast with her, going to the park, taking naps, nurturing her, teaching her, kissing her little head goodnight. i wish i could get back all that time i had with her and do it over and over again. id never take it for-granted in some of the ways i did, ever again.

but my time with her has been split. straight down the middle. and ive felt a little half of my heart gone.

i’ll never be able to explain the pain of sharing my baby. sometimes i think about how ill never have her the way i used to again and it’s really hard to accept that this is my new normal.

there was a short time where i began to feel like she was a stranger to me, my baby, like i didn’t know her the way i used to. and like i’ll always only have half my heart. my days without her feel so incredibly wrong, i just look into her room and around at all her toys she’s left array and it’s almost unbearable. it feels temporary, and sometimes i have to tell myself that it is because if i think about how this is permanent, it sends me into a spiral that i don’t know how to recover from.

ive spent the last 7 months fighting for my baby. fighting for custody of the baby that i have spent the last 3 years caring for, by myself. every day, every week, i felt like i was fighting accusation after accusation. defending myself to attorneys and social workers, all because of anger. thats the thing with anger, angry people will do anything to hurt you the way they feel hurt.

ive been hurt in ways you couldn’t imagine, and stood tall the entire time.

the fear i have felt for months has been crippling. the toll that my custody case has taken on me - well i wont even say it actually. im just now beginning to breathe again. i came out on top, and i have nothing on my conscious that i’m not proud of. i did all the right things, i had my daughters best interest in my heart, and i never tried to hurt back out of anger.

my life looks different in so many ways, and every moment i spend with juniper is a hundred times more precious to me.

im so excited to share her here again. share our new life. show you what happy looks like.

until then here are some cutie moments from the last 7 months that youve missed.

love you so much, xo