Becoming a mom.

Oct 12

I never was the type to dream about having children one day. I grew up surrounded by friends and family frequently hearing things like, “I want three kids” or “I want to be done having kids by the time I turn 28.” Looking back I wonder, why are we deciding when we want to be done with something we haven’t even started? I didn’t imagine myself having children, but I especially didn’t imagine myself only having one. I guess time and experiences really do make an impact on your future.

I felt like nothing was going on in my life, I had nothing to look forward too. I graduated college, moved in with my boyfriend, started this business, and then was like, “Okay, whats next?” Most would probably say marriage right? I must’ve skipped over that part? So long story short, we decided it was baby time. We planned the time frame to a T, a winter baby was a must for us. Not only is it slow season for me, but with Jared working in construction, he’s home all winter. With all that being decided, I couldn’t wait for March.

I wish I saved photos of my ovulation book for this blog but believe me, I took this very seriously lol. In my eyes, if we didn’t get pregnant that March, we had to wait until the next one. Well obviously our efforts were successful and I got pregnant in March.

Pretty much immediately after getting pregnant I was like “oh my god, what did I do?” Not because of any other reason other than I was petrified of childbirth. Apparently I planned to just get pregnant now and worry about the logistics later. I shot wedding after wedding, engagements back to back, and seniors in the dead of summer throughout my entire pregnancy. Nothing better than getting home after a 10 hour wedding day and resting my bowling ball sized ankles and feet.

The season went by slow, I was due December 1st and I joked to all my family that I just wanted to have the best thanksgiving meal of my life before she came. I swear getting pregnant in March is the best time to get pregnant. Cute bump all summer, huge by thanksgiving (perfectly timed disguise), and you get all the best holidays off. Thanksgiving came and went, I was still pregnant. December 1st came and went, I was still pregnant. December 7th came and my doctor said “Hey why don’t you come on in to be induced.”

I imagined going into spontaneous labor at home before my due date but now here I am on December 7th feeling all this impending doom because again, I’m petrified of childbirth and now I know it’s coming. Tonight.

I’ll leave her birth story for another blog, but I couldn’t have asked for a better story. Women sound insane when they say they wish they could relive the birth of their children but really, it goes so fast and it’s gone forever. You only meet them once, and it’s gone. Sorta feels like high school when you’re doing all the preparation for prom, the dress, the tan, the jewelry, the flowers. Then prom comes and you spent months prepping for something thats over in a few hours, makes you kinda sad huh?

The beginning is all a blur, postpartum depression comes up behind you and bites you in the ass so hard you don’t even have an ass anymore. Literally. Did you know that’s a thing? Women loosing all the muscle in their ass after pregnancy from breastfeeding? The things we endure. I’d do it again though, over and over. I can’t imagine my life without Juniper, life before her, or even my future life with her. All I can see is right now, this little temporary period of life. Because even though there are sleepless nights, (like so many) and exhausting days, you want it to last forever.

I’m a mom, but it really doesn’t feel like it. Maybe it still hasn’t set in for me yet a year later LOL. Oddly enough, it feels like I just have this new little best friend that is quite literally attached at the hip. She makes the perfect addition to long drives, coffee runs, and movie nights.

She’s doing so many new things right now, she blows my mind every day. She’s clapping, she’s waving, she’s saying, “No, no, no” and she’s giving kisses. Every time you see them learn something new, you’re like, “Oh my god, my kid is a genius.” No one does it as good as your kid. MY KID CLAPS THE BEST OK I DON’T MAKE THE RULES. I’m along for her little ride, that’s what this really is. HER world. I’m just here.

All that being said, have a kid. Maybe a couple. What’s the worst that can happen?

Alissa, xo